I may have an ulcer
there may be a bacteria infection party going on in my stomach
there may be something wrong with my pancreas
won’t know until my lab work gets back.
I fear each time I burp that the smell of sulfur will be there.
There’s a constant dull ache in my abdomen.
If I blink too long, there’s this weird wavy feeling. Like I’m going to fall over or pass out.
The doctor tried to patronize me and ridiculed my use of the word ‘horrible’ when describing the sheer stabbing, gut-wrenching pain that’s been waking me up in the wee hours of the morning for the past four days.
“Well, yes. Yes, horrible is how I would describe it. I could also describe it as so organ-tearingly awful that the thought of slitting my wrists so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain did cross my mind.”
His bedside manner improved after that.
Just because I easily smile, doesn’t mean that I’m not hiding something achingly painful underneath.
When I say, “I was scratching at the walls to keep from scratching at my stomach because the pain was horrible,” I actually mean it.
Also, I realize that when people say, “You’re not the only one having a bad day: so and so is having a hard time too,” or “At least you don’t have [insert something else horrible here]…,” they’re not trying to be cruel or mean.
They just don’t quite understand that saying things like that do not, I repeat: DO NOT, make me feel better.
In addition, my own heartbeat is making my body rock back and forth, I can’t ingest anything that isn’t liquid, standing up is an effort and keeping focused in any way is a chore. But no, it’s a-ok to berate me for not going to work yesterday (I went to the doctor instead) and thinking I’d not be up to the task today either.
Please, continue. Your passive-aggressive shit may actually heal me.
Ok, I’m done. Now on to your regularly scheduled happier la vie de Rose posts!
@1 year ago
#personal shits #laviederose